Jokes

Jokes
One Liners
'Did you know?'
And other Stuff

Over the years I've collect a few jokes and other interesting, or maybe not so interesting, facts and humor which I would like to share. Maybe you'll get a chuckle or two. If you have something you would like to add to the collection, send me an Email.

Blond Jokes

Kids

Here is a collection of the enviable Blond Jokes

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast was clear."

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she
is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."
Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Jill calls her friend Jane,
Jane picks up the phone,
Jill says "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?"
Jane asks "why?"
Jill replies, "I need to buy cosmetics"
Jane asks "why"
Jill replies "Well, my english teacher says I have a make-up exam
on monday"...

How about some "Blond One-Liners?"

1. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. They think the world revolves aroun them.

2. Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

3. Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

4. What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

5. Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
More head room!

6. Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
Because the jars have lids, not zippers.

7. Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.

8. What do blondes say after making love?
"Are you boys all on the same team?"

9. How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.

10. What do blondes and turtles have in common?
Once on their back, they're screwed.

11. What's the mating call of a blonde?
"I think I'm drunk!"

12. What's the mating call of a brunette?
"Has the blonde gone home yet?"

13. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
That's where you wash vegtables.

14. Why does the blonde have T.G.I.F. written on her tennis shoes?
Toes Go In First

15. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

16. How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear.

17. How do you get a blondes eyes to sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

18. What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?
A brain tumor.

19. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in a handicapped zone.

20. How do you make a blonde laugh on a Monday morning?
Tell her the joke on Friday afternoon.

21. If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a 20-story building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette. The blond would stop and ask for directions.

22. How can you tell that a blondes has had a bad day?
She has a tampon behind her ear, and she doesn't know what she did with her pencil.

23. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
"Way to go team!"

24. How can you tell if a blonde owns a vibrator?
Chipped teeth.

25. Why did the blonde have square breasts?
She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

26. How can you tell that a blondes been using your computer?
There's White-out all over the screen.

27. Why do blondes have so much free time?
Because so little is expected of them.

28. What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
An interpreter. (Editor: I report all, even the weak!)

29. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Three. One to mix the batter, two to peel the M&Ms.

30. How do you drive a blonde insane?
Ask her to alphabetize your M&Ms.

31. How do you keep a blonde baby amused?
Give her a mirror and some makeup.

32. What do you call a blonde wearing a brunette wig?
Artificial intelligence.

33. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head?
All you can eat for under a buck.

34. Why is it so difficult for a blonde to get a driver's license?
They can't reach the pedals from the back seat.

35. How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They only screw in cars.

36. What's the difference between a blonde and a Ferrari?
You can usually find a guy who hasn't been in a Ferrari.

37. What do you call three blondes standing shoulder to shoulder, earto ear?
A wind tunnel.

38. What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
She goes home.

39. Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than a horse?
So when they're waving in a parade, they won't crap in the street.

40. How do you tell if a bleached blonde did your landscaping?
The bush in front is a different color than the other follage.

41. What did the blonde have tatooed on her inner thigh?
a. "Welcome home, USS Saratoga."
b. "Welcome home, troops of Desert Storm."

42. What's the similarity between a blonde and a plate of Jello?
They both quiver when you eat them.

43. What do you call a blonde with a PhD in nuclear engineering?
Honey.

44. How does a blonde know that she's slept with an elephant?
        a. The smell of peanuts on his breath,
        b. She's pregnant for 23 months, and
        c. The big 'E' on his pajamas.

45. What's the best way to murder a blonde?
Put a mirror on the bottom of the swimming pool.

46. What's the diference between blondes and whores?
        Blondes have more money, or
        blondes skirts are shorter, or
        blondes wiggle more when they walk.

47. What's the difference between a blonde and a brunette whore?
The color of her hair.

48. Did you hear about the blonde that liked younger men?
She started sleeping with Cub Scouts, but her doctor made her quit when she got up to three Packs a day.

49. Blondes put perfume behind their ears. What do brunettes have to put behind their ears to attract men?
Their knees.

50. Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
Her boy friend was blonde too.

51. Is it true that blondes have more fun?
No, but their boy friends do!

52. What do you call fifteen blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

53. If Tarzan and Jane were blondes, what would Cheetah be?
The smartest of the three.

54. What would have happened if Pee Wee Herman were blond?
He would have had something better in his hand.

55. What would the press have called Jeffery Dahmer, if he were blonde?
That silly psychopathic murderer.

56. Why is it so hard to teach a blonde to drive?
a. They keep getting in the back seat, or
b. they think the steering wheel's a clothes rack.

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